Beach Bum-bums

A weekend or two ago, a group of us took a train down to a nearby beach. We floated frisbees in the salt-sticky air, munched on a most-potent gorgonzola, and took turns swigging Beaujolais straight from the bottle (classy style) while watching a marvelous sunset, all glimmering and gold. And then Jim got spanked by a Taiwanese man. There was some other stuff in between too.

Here’s some quick backstory: Jim and Evan are coworkers of mine who live downstairs (when I jump up and down in my room, Jim’s bed shakes, which is reason enough to jump), and they are thus my de facto companions. I hatch all sorts of plans and drag them with me. Sometimes they kick and sometimes they scream, but I know and they know that they are grateful. On this beach weekend, I also met Jackie, my sole female companionship on this rock (that is until Gaelic football practice starts), ergo she gets prime friend treatment as well. [Blogging has many benefits, one of which is self-sanctioned affectation evinced by words such as ‘ergo.’]

Anyways—we were all sitting at this beach bar getting viciously attacked by platoons of mosquitoes (I had no less than 35 bites on me in a span of 15 minutes, but thankfully the beer numbed it soon enough) and wondering if we could cozy up to the local Taiwanese crowd hanging out there. In my head, I could see us all enjoying a fabulously uproarious time of drinks and hearty laughs as we engaged in a natural and laidback cultural exchange—and maybe they’d want to share some of their barbeque grill treats with us too, seeing as all we’d had was Beaujolais and gorgonzola. Soon enough we capitalized on the whiteness of Jackie, Jim and Evan, and had edged our way in to a great acoustic campfire-style sing along of Bryan Adams, the Eagles, Eric Clapton, and other American acoustic adaptables. To test the grounds of our new friendship, I generously informed the crowd that Jim and Jackie wanted to join a live reenactment of a Taiwanese variety show-game (getting spanked with a fly swatter while people point, laugh and take pictures). Chinese comes in handy.

So Jim good-naturedly plants his feet and bends over, hands on the stone wall, back bent and concave, butt out—his very profile arched and straining in the grand mission of forging cultural bridges. Fly swatter in hand, Jackie gave Jim a few taps. However, the Taiwanese disapprove of Jackie’s gentility, and one man reaches over to show Jackie how it’s really done. With impressive skill and flair, the man exerts just the perfect amount of pressure and whip to make full use of the swatter’s natural pliancy, and man, you should’ve seen the instant recoil and look on Jim’s face. Five days later, Teacher Jim’s bum-bum was still tender and faintly blue.

We never did get to break bread with them, but the friendly locals did enthusiastically offer to take us to the best dog meat houses around. Our long and hilarious exchanges were periodically punctuated by one of the fellow’s friends coming over to tell us to disregard everything his buddy was saying because he was drunk. This was immediately followed up by another guy coming up to say that that guy was drunk, and then another and another. It was dizzying, slightly stomach-turning, but mostly just downright jolly. Everyone was accepting and happy. Instead of the usual mix of fascination and fear locals have of foreigners, they managed to be unassuming and genuinely curious without objectifying us in a way that welcomes you to take a load off and grab a cold Corona and then push your unsuspecting non-Chinese-speaking friends into chugging contests. When we left, they hollered for us to come back the next day, the day after that, and the day after that. Since we do have jobs and all, we haven’t been back yet, but I know when we do, we’ll have no problems picking up the fly swatter where we left off.

This is Sida

This is Sida. He is genuine and kind and owns our favorite neighborhood haunt, Coffee 105. He was my introduction to Taiwan and the Taiwanese, so now he will be yours. The shop is in this tiny one-way alley, not three minutes from our apartments, and is a wonderful escape. My friends and I go there (Jim and Evan go daily) for an afternoon go at the crossword, Sunday “brunch” (cold noodles with cucumbers and spicy peanut sauce), and most of all, for the easy company of Sida and pals.

I love taking a book out there in the morning, and sitting at the high counter barefoot with the wooden floors and imported white sand underneath. Listening to Jack Johnson’s acoustic album and sipping a cold latte (which is excellent) with the “Windy City’s” breeze blowing by the open-air coffeeshop, you might think you were at the beach or a riverside veranda somewhere storied and ancient. That’s until you look across the street and see the rusted gate, bright blue with soured spots of red and brown, of the pay-per-hour parking lot, and then you remember you’re actually in Hsinchu, Taiwan, and that’s not so bad either. Next to the palm-lined canal downtown, the super-chill and convivial #105 is easily my favorite place in Hsinchu.

The first time I met Sida, not a week into my stay, we got to talking about my plentiful relations who just keep popping out of the woodwork with visits from out of town, early morning phone calls, and strange requests for me to edit their English. Hitting on the subject of an aunt who lives in Taizhong, a neighboring city, Sida invited me and Evan and Jim to go with him and friends to a night market there that weekend. And it was that easy. At a time when everything was uncomfortably new and dizzying and overwhelming, he promised to show me what the Taiwanese like to do, what’s fun, and most importantly what’s good to eat. He’s always ready with recommendations and frequently offers the use of his friends who are going places and who wouldn’t mind taking along a few waiguos (foreigners).

It’s his birthday this weekend, and we shall all party.

Stay tuned for the best beach day I've had in years. Just a few teasers: we had a gorgeous sunset, bonfires, sing-along time, and one unforgettable slap to Jim's tender arse.
See Webshots if you are impatient:
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